If I Was Just More

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I was sick. Since I was sick, I had time to write and overthink. Overthinking is my greatest sin, I do believe. I once saw this quote that said, “I don’t sleep, I fall into an overthinking coma,” and I felt that. Anyway, this post is the product of overthinking.

Most of you know of the Best of the Year Blogging Awards, which Megan has been doing for years. For the past two years I’ve been nominated (thank you guys so much!), but I didn’t win.

And each time I would tell myself that I would be better next year, and win. And each time I wasn’t good enough.

Which, for someone as competitive as me, is very hard. I like winning, even if it’s winning by the vote of the people. And so this year I was slightly disappointed to see I was only nominated for one category, and that it was for a post that I don’t even think is very good. XD

(Pause for a moment: CONGRATULATIONS, ME FRIENDS FOR GETTING NOMINATED! [especially you, Jo. You were like, nominated for every category AND YOU DESERVE IT GIRL.])

And so I was about to be like, forget this whole award thing, I won’t even think about it. But as soon as I decide not to think about something, I begin thinking about it even more, and I can’t stop. So I thought about the awards and about my dislike for always loosing, and my dislike for awards in general.

I have extreme insecurities that I hide behind extreme pride and obnoxious cockiness. And awards, loosing, and being “not enough” hits those insecurities, and crumple my facade.  And my facade is neatly ironed, so to be crumpled is very annoying. Ironing a facade takes time and effort. *nods wisely*

I keep wondering if I had worked harder, been less of me, been more of the people you nominated, would you have nominated me more? Silly thoughts like those chase around my brain, followed by taunting laughter.

If I was just “more,” I would be “good enough.”

But that’s not true. I shall never be good enough, because I can always be more. And if I can always be more, the mindset will always remain, and I will never realize that right here, right now, I have been given my own talents, my own skills, and I shall handicap them and my usefulness if I continue to play the comparison game. (Wow, round of applause for run-on sentences. XD)

My mom used to always stop me in the middle of whatever task I was doing, and look me in the eyes and say, “Amie, it’s not a competition.” And I would respond, “I know, but it is to me.”

And that mindset can be deadly. Because there will always be someone better than you, and always someone that isn’t as skilled. We need to learn to rejoice with those who are more skilled, and understand those who are less skilled. Because once we were the lesser skilled one.

We are all striving to the goal, and the goal shouldn’t be perfection, but understanding. Understanding that we are flawed humans living in a flawed world. But God has given us the gift of beauty even through the broken lens. And so we should rejoice and be thankful for the skills we have, and strive to better them during the time we have allotted on this earth.

Because beauty is worth fighting for,

~~Amie~~

P.S. I just realized that I forgot to post my picture yesterday. *faceplant* Oh well. I took it, but I don’t have my camera at the moment, and ugh. Scattered brained Amie struck again.

15 thoughts on “If I Was Just More

  1. I know what you mean – I’ve recently been realizing how quickly I can turn things into a competition, to put it somewhat euphemistically, to make myself look good. So I’m praying that my motive will be love of others, not love of self. Anyway, this is a great post Amie, thanks for writing it! :))

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I can totally relate with pretty much everything in this post. Sometimes when I finally decide to go to sleep at night, it just turns into an overthinking and overanalyzing coma – just like that quote says. I also have that tendency to turn everything into a competition, and I have to be the best at it, otherwise I’d rather not do it. But no one can be the best at everything. There are some things that I’m just not good at. I have a hard time doing things if I’m not perfect at them. And that is all extremely selfish of me. I think that really the only way to break free from all that is through prayer. I try to pray daily that I’ll learn to be less selfish. Anyway, thank you for writing this, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Being competitive is hard sometimes, sometimes u just have to stop caring about winning and focus on the good things. In all honesty I was slightly disappointed not to be nominated but I LITERALLY just started blogging so it’s not that big of a deal. Everyone that was nominated and others who weren’t are all AMAZING bloggers and its so cool how everyone has their own sense of style for their blog and thats amazingggg xx ❤ ❤ ❤ loved this post

    Liked by 1 person

  4. dear amie

    you are enough

    and nobody should ever have to feel that they have to be more or less of anything *supportive fistbumps*

    also to be totally fair there are million better bloggers than me, yourself included, and why it happened to be me i do not know XD

    Liked by 2 people

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