I am me.
Sunshine and rainbows, stars and shadows, laughter and tears, sarcasm and genuine concern, coffee and tea, hot and cold, stone and flesh, a walking contradiction.
I like me.
The person that dances on her bed at 11:30 at night, keeping her little sister awake. The person that can’t function in the morning, so please, don’t wake me up after the sun has risen. The person that can wake up at 5:30am and function, exercising, laughing, listening to sermons.
Clothes that don’t work, my style changing, inhaling more coffee, midnight is my favorite time, hair changed, glasses discarded.
The past was beautiful, but so is the present. The sunshine warms my face, the wind blows through my layers. I’m not alone, trials have weeded through people, leaving me with the keepers.
I’m older. Now I can work, smiling at the little children who I give an apple. I talk about pixie dust and coffee with a customer, laugh about Disney with my boss. I’m left alone at a market, in charge, handling business and wondering how this is legal.
I was a child, I still am. How can someone trust me to take command?
I have my own money. I make the decision whether I should get an almond milk and honey latte, or save the money for later. But man, Starbucks is better than eating lunch, so you better believe I choose to spend that four dollars.
Of course, I’m still a child and I’m not allowed to order Mexican for dinner. 😑
I can walk through the neighborhood by myself, I have freedom to make my own schedule. I’m old enough to play violin at church, no longer the little girl that admired the older girls in the pew.
I am the older girl.
I can carry the seven-year-old and make her laugh. Running up the hill, pretending to let the four-year-olds beat me. Pushing, swinging, laughing, being.
The shadows that appeared as I grew haven’t blocked my vision. In a way, they’re there because they’ve expanded my vision. The stars I reached for as a child seem farther away. But I know that with a step, every day, I’ll reach one, someday.
Masterpieces appear underneath my unskilled hands, books devoured by my curious mind, words spilled out by my hasty lips. Life isn’t as bad as it first looks. Coffee inhaled, tea sipped, ramen cooked.
I finally have the dog I always wanted. I’m responsible enough to have a rabbit. (Though my parents would say that’s debatable.) I don’t know what will happen during the rest of 2020. I don’t know where the summer and spring will lead.
But I know something.
As each minute passes, I’m growing. As each moment passes, I’m changing.
Not drastically, but slowly.
And I’m okay with that.
Coffee might not forever remain my thing. My laughter might not always ring at the same things. People might be wrong, people might be right.
I might be wrong.
But I’ll learn what’s right.
Regardless of the clouds that cover the stars, I know right where they are. Sometimes one of the stars will be farther away, sometimes that star wasn’t meant for me to take. But that’s okay.
Stars are for dreaming, stars are for reaching. Sometimes the ones we take hold of aren’t the ones we dreamed of, but that’s okay. Because the stars we hold are better than the ones we wanted.
Reach for the stars and accept the change. Look towards the sky and know that regardless of how you change, it’ll remain. Blue, grey, dusky black. Red, orange, pink, with all the colors the world might lack.
Don’t let the clouds determine your day. Reach for the stars anyway.