“Don’t let it get to your head, don’t let it get to your head.”
The words surround you, even after you release them all with a puff, the smoke that slipped out hovers above you. You’re unable to drown it out.
So many things to be thankful for, so many things that should blot it out. But you feel like you’ve made another mistake and the voices again have grown too loud.
Maybe those who protect me are wrong. Maybe the other people are right. Maybe I was immature, maybe I did read into it too much, I probably am being dramatic. I probably should just shut up, sink away, let them win again because this is just way too much for me today.
It’s not my fault? What do you mean? They’re all saying I picked a fight, don’t you see? Shush the voices in my mind, shush everything I’ve been told for a time. Even if all was silent and I was floating above, I would be pulled back down by this weight that at my heart tugs.
Don’t blame yourself, it isn’t your fault. Don’t let the hate keep you from moving along. But how can we do that when all along, we’ve been told to be silent and avoid what is wrong?
How do we stand when our knees are weak? How do we keep moving when all we want to do is weep? Paper cuts mar the most tender heart, tears are what it bleeds among its millions of scars. How can we continue moving when there seems no end of the pain that creates a hurricane within?
Forcing a smile and saying okay, though, in a way, I really am okay. I might be hurting by the words that stung my heart, I might be taking a moment to keep from falling apart, but I’m okay. Because I know.
I know that God will use my message in spite of my fear, my hurt, my pain. I know I serve a God who has created all things. I know that even though I didn’t want to go on this ride, God will be there protecting, comforting, pushing, always on my side.
“Though troubles assail me, and dangers afright. Though friends should all fail us and foes all unite, yet one thing secures us whatever betide: the scripture assures us ‘the Lord will provide.”‘
He will provide in the darkest hour or the most joy filled day. His provision might not give you a butterfly and rainbows type of life, but you will still see his fingerprints on every part of your life. Pain might stun you for hours on end, but He’s always there to pick you up and help you begin again.
Some people may seem to have the perfect life, but everyone has secrets they would prefer to hide. Faith doesn’t stop you from having pain, suffering, and doubt. But holding onto God’s precious promises keeps us from giving up and falling out.
Someday this journey will be over. Someday, our messages and our moments will be through. Someday we’ll get to heaven and have to hand over the talents that are due. Did words stop you from using yours? Did people discourage you from investing the talents that weren’t yours, only lent for you to use?
Take a deep breath and begin again today. So that at the end of the journey we can all sing and say,
“When life sinks apace and death is in view, the word of his grace shall comfort us through; not fearing or doubting, with Christ on our side, we hope to die shouting, ‘Our God will provide!”‘
(quotations from John Newton’s hymn, Though Troubles Assail Us.)