It’s My Story

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I’ve been growing. 

I’ve been looking back at my past and seeing how it’s changed me. Seeing why I am how I am, and how I can change myself. Not because I don’t like myself. No.

In the past year, I’ve begun to love myself. No longer hating the pain and anger that sits inside of me, no longer hating the face that was given to me, no longer mad about the body that I call mine, no longer ashamed that I’m me.

I can go back and read past blog posts, smiling at who I was then.

And I can go back five years and tell myself it wasn’t my fault. I shouldn’t feel guilty for refusing to see my grandfather four days before he died. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not hugging him the last time I saw him. I shouldn’t hurt because at his funeral I didn’t cry.

God and my grandfather know that I loved him. And I’m proud to be his granddaughter. Proud that I had a grandfather with such a story.

Instead of feeling the pain of my twelfth birthday, I can remember the beauty of the bouquet my father brought me. The moment I hugged him, soaking in his warmth and the clean smell of the hospital. He had made it, he was here to celebrate, even if it was a only for a few hours.

Instead of basking in the things I missed on that birthday, I can relive the tears that rolled down my cheeks when people from my church surprised me. Because they actually cared, because this was a good reason to let all the tears out, a time I didn’t have to be strong.

I’ve been patching up the relationships I destroyed in my desperate attempt to control my life. I’ve started releasing my fears. They aren’t all gone, and it’ll be a lifelong journey. But in the past year, I’ve been taught one thing.

I’m not in control.

I’m just in for the ride. So why hold on with a vice grip, when I can just lean back? I know that my God is only planning things that will be good for me. Sure, the good might hurt at times, it might bring tears. It might even feel like too much.

But God always gives you strength. Sometimes that’s only enough strength to lie in bed, sometimes it’s only enough strength to sob on the floor. Sometimes it’s enough strength to get up and run. And sometimes, it’s enough strength to soar.

Comparison should never be allowed to enter your mind. Because your journey, the amount of strength God sees fit to give you is uniquely yours.

God has written a unique story for each of us.

I would never wish to have someone live my past, and in order for you to be me, you would have to have that. Never compare yourself to me, to others, to the people around you. You don’t know what they’ve gone through, and it’ll only ruin your own story.

If you don’t have both eyes on the road, you’ll never know the difference between good and best. Live your story, my friends. Embrace it, love it, understand the beauty, and do your very best.

Your past might be sad, your future might be rocky, and the present might be dark, but God promises that though there are tears in the night, joy will come with the morn. ❤

~~Amie~~

~Alone~

Sometimes, I feel left out.  People see beauty in things where my reasonable mind is going, “HELP.  WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?”  Sometimes, I feel alone, because what I see as beautiful is neglected and laughed at.  Sometimes, I feel loved, because someone will take the time to look at something through my eyes.  Sometimes I feel empty, because my world is full of grays.  Sometimes, I feel musical, because my world has never been so bright before.  Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t me, because me is a very had thing to be.

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I like to hide behind something.  I don’t like to show who I really am, because sometimes that causes too much pain.  I’m considered a very honest person, but I’m not honest with myself.  I’m thought of as a bubbly personality, but inside I’m very flat.  People tell me I’m cute, they say I make them laugh, and they move on with their lives, while I stay where I am.  Alone.

But I’ve realized that only when you’re alone can you really appreciate life.  Life with someone isn’t the same as life by yourself.  When you have someone to lean on, you don’t learn half as well, listen quite as well, or make your own decisions.  When you’re alone, you find that you really are never alone.  You find that you aren’t the person you want to be, but there’s only one way to become that person.

And so?  You have a choice.  Do you want to drowned out the fact that you aren’t happy with yourself by having other people be happy in you, or do you want to take the rocky road and become the best you you can be?

The only way you can become the person you want to be is by being alone…And yet, you aren’t alone.  The only way you can become the person that loves unconditionally, waits patiently, laughs merrily, and keeps plodding along is by looking past yourself, and looking above.  Not in your own strength can you become anything worth while.

I should know.  I’ve tried.

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Not with the help of a million followers, a dozen fans, or a couple of friends can you become the person you want to be.

I should know.  I’ve tried.

The only way you can become the person you were created to be is by stopping, and turning your eyes away from yourself.  You must look above, and acknowledge you weakness.  Because, dear friend, in you weakness, God’s strength can come through you. If you want to be a lamp, you must first have Someone light you.

Once upon a time, there actually were people who were exactly as they were created to be.  But they weren’t happy with that.  And so?  They brought a lot of grief into this sin-sick world.  They themselves brought sin, and now we are sinners because of them.  Imagine their grief.  Actually, don’t do that, that would be pretty painful.

The only way that God could save his children was by sending His Son to be a human (Though He still was God), and die a human death.  When you feel alone, neglected, slighted…Remember how Christ must have felt.  He showed people He was God by His miracles, and yet, they didn’t believe Him.  He saw beauty in everything, even the deformed leper, while everyone else only saw dirtiness.  Christ saw beauty in everything.  Imagine how discouraging it would be for people to constantly remark on how different He was.

You aren’t alone.  Anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you experience in this life, Christ has experienced it in some way.  And then He was crucified for you.  For you, the person that feels alone.  The person who just can’t do it anymore.  The person who hides their real self.  The person who isn’t loved.  The person who is tired.  Whatever your struggles, Christ hasn’t left you alone.  He’s here, next to you now.

To really know Christ, to really understand how much He cares, you need to be alone.  You need to be weak.  In order for Christ to save you, you must be lost.  The Physician didn’t come to heal the well, He came to heal the sick.

And that, my friend, should bring you hope.  It should bring you God’s hope.

~~Amie~~

P.S. I apologize Cam isn’t writing today, but I felt that this needed to be posted, and well…It doesn’t really go with Cam’s character.