it’s okay

Doesn’t End Like That

| Amie

A4F02102-8C55-4A91-A657-3706F5034246

You never got the chance to know me
Packed it up and crossed the state
You left behind more than memories
Now when I sleep I’m only dreaming of your face
You never got the chance to hold me
I learned to love your selfish way
I still believe in you

So wrapped up in your selfish ways, taking and taking, leaving me spinning round and round, unable to touch the ground. Whenever I treated you better than you could understand, you’d leave me wondering how kindness could hurt you.

You said you were my friend, holding out your hand to help me off the ground, offering to dry the tears that streamed from my shattered heart. And yet, after you bandaged the wounded organ, you shattered it with it into a hundred parts, leaving me bleeding alone.

How did I love your selfish way? Why do I still believe in your flawed nature? Why do I see all the good things you could be if you just let the light shine through your firm barricades?

And in this burning room
I’ll suffer through the pain

Left gasoline on my walls before you peaced out, telling me it was my problem that I was the way I am. Lit a match and threw it behind you, burning my soul inside the metal walls I built for my own protection. You say I’m not worth attention, so I’ll sit alone and suffer through my emotions.

You told me I was weak to feel pain, fear, and pitiful to let the tears free. I should be the bouncy, happy girl I used to be before. Years ago when I first met you?

Darling, listen. Time wears away the childlike joy you felt at ten. It takes time to find the joy given by the Spirit within. It takes time to find out who you are, despite the pain that’s shaped your life.

Oh no, got me low, how you gonna leave like that?
Oh no, got me low, you’re gone and I want you back.
Oh no, down so low, feeling like I’m under attack.
Oh no, where’d you go? You’re gone and I want you.

Instagram posts have pulled at my defense, your comments are destroying my stern vision. How are you gonna ghost me like that? Last year we were together and talked about forever, being friends until we’re both old and toothless, laughing about our teenage stupidity.

Now I’m alone, sitting on the floor, wondering if I’ll feel the same at fifty. How are you going to leave like that? If you came back, would I let you in?

I never wanted you to change
Call me up and I’ll be running
Loose my breath calling out your name
(Leave Like That, SYML)

I sent texts, DMs, and letters. Hoping you’d forgive my stupid blunder. But if my blunder was being a good friend, would I really want you to forgive me for caring? Would I really want you to forgive me for sharing my love, my time?

Were you really the people I needed? Or were you only taking up the place of people who love and care about the real me, not the me they’ve created in their heads. Maybe the best thing for both you and me was for us to part.

So I could find me. So I could be me.

Without feeling guilty for not being what you want me to be.

And now I can smile and sing the song that I can only sing while reaching for the stars. I now have people behind me who love me, despite what I can be or will be. They smile and laugh with me over my stupidity, understand when I tell them seriously about my worries, and hug me when the darkness in my mind is louder than all of reality.

People who care.

Even when I pretend that I don’t need them.

Because I do. We all do. We need people who love us, we need people to support us, we need people to push us, and we need people who understand us.

God’s been so good to give me people who do all of those things. And to them, I’ll forever be grateful. ❤

~~Amie~~

I See the Sun

| Amie

230E5D1F-EAF6-4823-8F23-4D314915CF83

I see the sun through the evening shower

I know the sun in spite of this midnight hour

Each day it’s there, warming my heart

Even though it’s so hard to see in the dark.

I have been telling myself I won’t let myself grieve. I won’t mourn, I’ll be fine. Just keep moving, looking to the next day.

But last week was one of those weeks that just called for a lot of sorrow, mixed in with a strange type of joy.

Last week I was supposed to be seeing my friends. Hugging them, laughing with them. I was supposed to stand next to one of my favorite people as she pledged her life to her love.

But I sat in my kitchen instead, watching a screen.

There are so many things we’re all missing out on because we’re trying to stay safe. We’re trying to show Christlike love, by putting other’s health and safety before our own. And I’m so happy that I get to do that, that I get to stay home, and that I’m able to keep myself alive for years in the future.

But it’s also okay to be sad.

To grieve.

025DCFF0-448C-463B-BA4E-E0D15DBE11DE

So many lives lost. So many memories not happening. So many people we miss. So many hugs we’ve lost. So many moments of laughter that we’re not having.

It’s okay to curl up on your bed and take a deep breath, to let the tears free. It’s okay to hurt, to wonder why. It’s okay.

But always remember that there is a sunshine behind the clouds, and a tomorrow after today. Maybe not this year, maybe not now. Maybe it’ll never be like you thought it should, but you will have something good in the future. Maybe I won’t be hugging my friends this year, not laughing with them, or rooming with them at a writing conference.

But next year.

Next time.

Tomorrow.

1C496857-F933-4044-A590-0159792C2DE2

It’s still empty and full of possibility, full of hugs, full of companionship, and worth waiting for, worth going through pain today.

As someone once said, “A moment of pain is worth a lifetime of glory.”

A year of loneliness is worth a lifetime of health and companionship. And for that reason, I’m going to stay home, wishing to be with my favorite people. For that reason, I’ll be Skyping instead of hugging. And for that reason, I’ll be letting myself cry.

Tomorrow still has sunshine,

~~Amie~~