We are Complicated

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I am a collapsing star.

The night sky whirls around me as I fall, creating a unique masterpiece behind me, wishing something would stop my breakneck descent. Wishing someone would understand, that underneath all the fiery gas, there’s an ice cold heart that needs some love.

I am a flickering flame.

One moment alive, one moment strong, the next vanished from sight. Oxygen is needed, but also feared. What if I grow? What if there’s nothing to fuel the fire that is my soul? Will I always warm people, and yet keep them at a distance? Is there no way to subdue my soul? Is it’s always all or nothing?

I am a dripping stalactite.

Moist, cold, dangerous. Any moment able to collapse on someone’s head, always reminding them of my presence by a ceaseless drip, an annoying patter. Hidden from the light of the sun, embracing the darkness and living with others of my kind. Yet, solitary and growing, not letting the silence bother my own song.

I am a slice of mica.

Beautiful to those who take the time to dig through the grime to find me, yet not precious to those who look towards what the world says. Thin, fragile, yet strangely resistant. Reflective, showing the world a screwed picture of itself, hoping that someday it’ll see that it’s opinions aren’t always as they should be.

I am a diving eagle.

Swooping, talons reaching. The water skimming beneath my feet, the prey firmly clamped. Food, freedom, and fresh air growing my feathers and my independence. Selecting my certain friends, but still soaring alone, there is no reason for me to be afraid. I am the the top predator.

I am the mole.

Hiding away from the real world, embracing the grime, worms, and darkness of the world in which I live. Squinting when I reach the sunshine, wondering why anyone would want to live in the harsh light. The dirt is so soft, so cool, it is everything that I am used to. And yet the sun still has a certain, burning charm.

I am the rain drop. 

Falling far and fast, landing softly on the parched earth, allowing myself to be totally soaked up. No longer my own person, no longer free to breathe, too busy trying to help heal your pain. Lost, parched in the process, too moldable, too eager to fill your empty cup.

I am the guard dog.

Sniffing out danger, protecting my people. Hating when they don’t listen to my warnings, hurting when they’re hurt. Silly people, if they just trusted my nose, we’d all be happy. My bark is silent, my bite devastating, don’t push, don’t pull. Stay away, no one will be hurt, no one will feel the strength of my jaws.

I am the whispering wind.

All my problems, too shy to tell those around me, so I’ll just move the leaves, whispering through them. Can you hear the plea between my words? The pain beneath my jokes? Are you soothed by my gentle words? How did I find the words to say to ease your pain if I have not been through the pain myself?

And yet, though I am all those things,

I am still

~~Amie~~

Reach Anyway

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I am me.

Sunshine and rainbows, stars and shadows, laughter and tears, sarcasm and genuine concern, coffee and tea, hot and cold, stone and flesh, a walking contradiction.

I like me.

The person that dances on her bed at 11:30 at night, keeping her little sister awake. The person that can’t function in the morning, so please, don’t wake me up after the sun has risen. The person that can wake up at 5:30am and function, exercising, laughing, listening to sermons.

I’m growing.

Clothes that don’t work, my style changing, inhaling more coffee, midnight is my favorite time, hair changed, glasses discarded.

The past was beautiful, but so is the present. The sunshine warms my face, the wind blows through my layers. I’m not alone, trials have weeded through people, leaving me with the keepers.

I’m older. Now I can work, smiling at the little children who I give an apple. I talk about pixie dust and coffee with a customer, laugh about Disney with my boss. I’m left alone at a market, in charge, handling business and wondering how this is legal.

I was a child, I still am. How can someone trust me to take command?

I have my own money. I make the decision whether I should get an almond milk and honey latte, or save the money for later. But man, Starbucks is better than eating lunch, so you better believe I choose to spend that four dollars.

Of course, I’m still a child and I’m not allowed to order Mexican for dinner. 😑

I can walk through the neighborhood by myself, I have freedom to make my own schedule. I’m old enough to play violin at church, no longer the little girl that admired the older girls in the pew.

I am the older girl.

I can carry the seven-year-old and make her laugh. Running up the hill, pretending to let the four-year-olds beat me. Pushing, swinging, laughing, being.

The shadows that appeared as I grew haven’t blocked my vision. In a way, they’re there because they’ve expanded my vision. The stars I reached for as a child seem farther away. But I know that with a step, every day, I’ll reach one, someday.

Masterpieces appear underneath my unskilled hands, books devoured by my curious mind, words spilled out by my hasty lips. Life isn’t as bad as it first looks. Coffee inhaled, tea sipped, ramen cooked.

I finally have the dog I always wanted. I’m responsible enough to have a rabbit. (Though my parents would say that’s debatable.) I don’t know what will happen during the rest of 2020. I don’t know where the summer and spring will lead.

But I know something.

As each minute passes, I’m growing. As each moment passes, I’m changing.

Not drastically, but slowly.

And I’m okay with that.

Coffee might not forever remain my thing. My laughter might not always ring at the same things. People might be wrong, people might be right.

I might be wrong.

But I’ll learn what’s right.

Regardless of the clouds that cover the stars, I know right where they are. Sometimes one of the stars will be farther away, sometimes that star wasn’t meant for me to take. But that’s okay.

Stars are for dreaming, stars are for reaching. Sometimes the ones we take hold of aren’t the ones we dreamed of, but that’s okay. Because the stars we hold are better than the ones we wanted.

Reach for the stars and accept the change. Look towards the sky and know that regardless of how you change, it’ll remain. Blue, grey, dusky black. Red, orange, pink, with all the colors the world might lack.

Don’t let the clouds determine your day. Reach for the stars anyway.

~~Amie~~