People Like People Sometimes

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Recently someone said to me, “People usually like people that like them.” That hit me hard. I’ve always assumed that people wouldn’t like me, regardless of how nice I was, how sweet I came across. I’ve been the first one to make fun of myself, to say what I already assume they’re thinking, to beat them to the critique, to beat them to saying the thing that will wound me.

I’m a people pleasure. Nothing makes me more happy than the people around me being happy. Everything about me craves affirmation and a smile from the people around me. My love language is words of affirmation. All I want to hear is that I’m enough for those I care about, that I doing enough, soothing their needs, and brightening their days. In a way, this can be a strength. People tell me about my caring heart, about how I notice things about people and remember their favorites.

But it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses. The minute I attach myself to someone, I’m loyal until they break me. Until they destroy me, bring tears streaming down my cheeks, and I’ve tried everything to be enough.

Olivia Rodrigo says in her song, “Enough,” these words:

Yeah, you always say I’m never satisfied
But I don’t think that’s true
You say I’m never satisfied
But that’s not me, it’s you
‘Cause all I ever wanted was to be enough
But I don’t think anything could ever be enough
For you

There’s nothing I want more to be than enough for those who I love. I want to be enough for those who just meet me, I want to be liked by the person who just greeted me. But I immediately expect I won’t be enough, that I won’t be liked.

Because my whole childhood was never being enough. My whole childhood was being disliked, being teased, being excluded. I’m used to be the wallflower.

The thing is . . . I was told this by someone in January. And I’ve done a lot of growing since then, especially when it comes to the problem of being enough.

Me on my own would never ever be enough. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, all I do, it would all be in vain. But I’m not left on my own. This year I’ve been learning about my identity, learning about who I am, and what that means.

I am a child of God. Which means Christ died for me, and gave me his enough (he was perfect, so of course he was enough!). He wrapped in in his enough, tying it around me and giving me a smile. And because of his enough, I get a smile from God, too. It doesn’t matter what I do, how much I screw up, I still have Christ’s enough. (And let me tell you, I screw up A LOT every day.)

I’m enough, and not only am I enough, and I have God’s smile, but I have an relationship with Christ and God the Father! It’s wild, that Christ and God would want to have a relationship with me, a tiny human on a small planet called earth. The creator of the universe cares about me. And not only cares about me, he calls me daughter!

My mind is truly blown.

But now I don’t have to worry about being enough. I don’t have to worry about coming across as perfectly nice and sweet so everyone likes me. I am who I am, and not everyone will like me. And if you ask me, that’s perfectly okay.

I know who I am.

Who are you?

~~Amie~~

If I Was Just More

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I was sick. Since I was sick, I had time to write and overthink. Overthinking is my greatest sin, I do believe. I once saw this quote that said, “I don’t sleep, I fall into an overthinking coma,” and I felt that. Anyway, this post is the product of overthinking.

Most of you know of the Best of the Year Blogging Awards, which Megan has been doing for years. For the past two years I’ve been nominated (thank you guys so much!), but I didn’t win.

And each time I would tell myself that I would be better next year, and win. And each time I wasn’t good enough.

Which, for someone as competitive as me, is very hard. I like winning, even if it’s winning by the vote of the people. And so this year I was slightly disappointed to see I was only nominated for one category, and that it was for a post that I don’t even think is very good. XD

(Pause for a moment: CONGRATULATIONS, ME FRIENDS FOR GETTING NOMINATED! [especially you, Jo. You were like, nominated for every category AND YOU DESERVE IT GIRL.])

And so I was about to be like, forget this whole award thing, I won’t even think about it. But as soon as I decide not to think about something, I begin thinking about it even more, and I can’t stop. So I thought about the awards and about my dislike for always loosing, and my dislike for awards in general.

I have extreme insecurities that I hide behind extreme pride and obnoxious cockiness. And awards, loosing, and being “not enough” hits those insecurities, and crumple my facade.  And my facade is neatly ironed, so to be crumpled is very annoying. Ironing a facade takes time and effort. *nods wisely*

I keep wondering if I had worked harder, been less of me, been more of the people you nominated, would you have nominated me more? Silly thoughts like those chase around my brain, followed by taunting laughter.

If I was just “more,” I would be “good enough.”

But that’s not true. I shall never be good enough, because I can always be more. And if I can always be more, the mindset will always remain, and I will never realize that right here, right now, I have been given my own talents, my own skills, and I shall handicap them and my usefulness if I continue to play the comparison game. (Wow, round of applause for run-on sentences. XD)

My mom used to always stop me in the middle of whatever task I was doing, and look me in the eyes and say, “Amie, it’s not a competition.” And I would respond, “I know, but it is to me.”

And that mindset can be deadly. Because there will always be someone better than you, and always someone that isn’t as skilled. We need to learn to rejoice with those who are more skilled, and understand those who are less skilled. Because once we were the lesser skilled one.

We are all striving to the goal, and the goal shouldn’t be perfection, but understanding. Understanding that we are flawed humans living in a flawed world. But God has given us the gift of beauty even through the broken lens. And so we should rejoice and be thankful for the skills we have, and strive to better them during the time we have allotted on this earth.

Because beauty is worth fighting for,

~~Amie~~

P.S. I just realized that I forgot to post my picture yesterday. *faceplant* Oh well. I took it, but I don’t have my camera at the moment, and ugh. Scattered brained Amie struck again.

Enough

Sometimes, I really don’t know what to write.  My life is blank, my mind is blank, and I feel like I really need a cup of coffee.  There’s this little antsy itch that wants to go check social media, and waste time, because my brain is fried.

Sometimes, I feel very ill.  It’s more than I can do to just smile at the people passing by, but I must keep going.  I will my body to keep moving, and tell myself that it’ll get better.  Tomorrow, I’ll be better.  But tomorrow, I’m not better.

Sometimes, I’m just depressed.  I feel like the world is a grey blank in space.  And time someday will be no more, and I’ll be cold in my grave.  What good will I have done, then?   I’m just not enough.  My writing is just not enough, my body is just not enough, and I AM JUST NOT ENOUGH.

I have to fight these feelings.  They confront me at every turn.  Always a little whisper. Always that little nag of, “you’re not enough.”  BUT!  I’m here to tell you that you ARE enough.

In the Psalms, David marvels at God’s omnipotence, and then he writes in Psalm 139,

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

I can never believe that verse.  My head believes it, yes, but my heart?  Does my heart believe it.  Does your heart believe it?  God knows your hair color.  He knows your personality type.  He made you your perfect height, and ALL FOR A REASON.

Once, there was a little girl who was terribly sad.  Why?  Because she didn’t have blue eyes and blond hair.  She had black hair, and brown eyes. All the pretty little girls had blue eyes and blond hair, but God hadn’t given her that.  She was short instead of willowy, and altogether, she was unhappy with her looks.

Fast forward a few years.  This girl was Gladys Aylward.  She found a reason why God had given her dark hair, and a short stature as she ministered in China.  God has a reason for where you are now.  He has a reason for who you are, and YOU ARE PERFECT.

You might not be enough, but God wants you to feel that you are lacking so that you then fly to Jesus.  So then we may fully know that,

When I am weak, then am I strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

God is our strength.  He makes us “enough.”  Whenever you feel lacking, fly!  Fly to Jesus. He is our strength.  The only strength that will really make us strong, and He is the only thing that can determine our worth.

You’re beautiful.  You’re strong.  You’re worth something in Jesus’ sight.  Don’t listen to the devil’s lies.  He’s real, and he’s real good at lying.  The world is colorful, and if you have the joy of Jesus in your life, you will find the simple things wonderful.  God has planned a day for you to be born, and to die.  Never listen to the lies that tell you otherwise.

Take time to thank God for how He has made you.  When you’re depressed, or tired, or just lacking, take time to ask God to help you.  To fill you.  To show you the joy that is in your life.  He’ll listen to you, and He’ll answer all prayers prayed in faith.

~~Amie~~

P.S. Two more days for my giveaway!  Entered at the end of this post.