I’ve spent the last week looking through a lot of my blog posts from the past year. Which naturally led to me spending a lot of time thinking over the past year. And it’s been strange, because I’ve grown so much.
I found me, mostly because I wasn’t looking anymore.
In the past, I spent so much time dictating who I was. I would be this, I had to do this, I would become this, and if I didn’t fit what everyone expected or wanted from me, I wasn’t really being me, was I? Because me was the person who made everyone else happy.
This past year, I stopped telling myself who I was. I stopped telling myself that YOU ARE A WRITER. Or YOU ARE A GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL. Or YOU ARE A MUSICIAN. Instead, I started asking and just learning.
Who did God make me to be? And how can I accept that?
Instead of denying my problems, I accepted them and tried to find solutions. Instead of denying my wants, I acknowledged them and then went about seeing if it was practical or okay to fulfill them. Instead of putting myself through purgatory, I looked after myself and let myself be.
I wrote this whole post two days ago, and it was around 900 words, but WordPress was sweet and decided not to save it, so I’m just going to write from my heart here, since my heart felt words for the intro were deleted.
I’m by no means perfect. This year didn’t bring about a perfect Amie who loves every last part of her messed up, crazy being. But it did bring about a girl who’s so proud. So proud of herself, because she put in the hard work. She spent time crying, she spent time trying, and guess what? It has payed off.
This year, I let myself be me. I let myself let people and things go. Not because they were “bad” for me, but because I can’t keep up with a million people, and that’s okay. I can’t be everything for everyone, and that’s okay. I’m not rejecting those people. God knows I didn’t mean to hurt them if I have, but I needed a moment to step back, to work on me.
Not in a selfish way. I hope they realize that, I hope they understand that in order for me to be a good friend, I had to step back and stop being an ever-present friend. In order to truly love them, I had to find a way to love myself.
And this year, in a weird and messed up way, when the world is a mess and full of injustice and pain and sorrow, I did.
Not because I’m awesome and spectacular, but because I realized something so simple, yet so profound. I realized that the Creator of this world, the Savior of all the amazing Christian people you hear about, knows me. Little, small, conceited, messed up, hurting Amie. He doesn’t just know me, he loves me with a love so powerful, so strong, so broad, I can’t comprehend it, but I know it.
Oh, goodness, do I know it.
I always knew God was love, but from a lot of the teaching I felt as if God just loved the universal church. Maybe he had a bit of personal love for those great and amazing pastors, like R.C. Sproul or Charles Spurgeon or some love for King David. God wouldn’t love me, a messed up kid who had so much hurt rolled into a suit of armor, right?
*laughs* I was wrong. In knowing God loves me, ME in the singular, it just . . . opened my world. No longer was religion a kind of Bible references and rules and “BE CAREFULS OR YOU’LL BE WICKED.” It was a relationship. It was about knowing God, and letting him know me, even though he already does.
I’ve not only let God know me this year. My mother, even though this has been a crazy hard year for her, has really pulled through. I’ve always felt protective of my mom, as if I have to shield her from the beast within me, from the person that could wound her sensitive soul. But this year, I’ve let her in, and instead of shying away from the hurt, the monster, like I thought she would, she hugged the monster.
My mom has probably seen some stuff with me that no mother would ever want their child to go through, but instead of saying, “I didn’t sign up for this, see you later!” She’s been there to hold my hand. She’s explored with me, intent on finding out more about me, so she can help me. So she can love me to the best of her ability.
My mom is my biggest supporter, and I love her to death.
This year, I learned to love life again. Sure, the news reports suck, but life is so rich. There is so much to see, so much left for me to do, if I just let myself dream. If I stop holding up the regulations and let myself fly, it’s surprising how much God puts into place.
That’s another thing I learned. Christianity isn’t about being a bird in a cage, it’s about being a bird who trusts the wind. God puts us on earth to fly, to make a difference, to worship Him, to experience his world, and to make him known while doing it. Which means we have to fly, while trusting the wind. We trust that the wind and our wings will keep us up.
This year has been full of so many lessons, and I’m so grateful. I’m grateful for all of the amazing people who have been helping me through it. I’m so grateful for the people on the sidelines who have been watching and cheering me on during this race.
This year has been on crazy ride, but I’m not sorry it happened. This year hasn’t been full of happy, peaceful days of self reflection. In fact, over half of this year have been days where I’m in bed, or so depressed that it’s hard to function. But guess what? Each depressive spell has gotten a little bit shorter. Each dark thought has gone away a little bit quicker. We’re on a journey, and it’s getting better. It’s been a year full of hardships and learning, but I’m not sorry it happened.
I’m eager to see what happens in this last month, and to see where 2021 leads.